Back to reality but still feelings I don´t understand

I´m more or less "normal" again. But still I feel this way I wrote yesterday and then I see songs I wish they should be a message for me but if I´m honest I know they are not for me. And the worst thing about this is that I know deep in my heart thats it is better, even if it hurts and may never stop. But this is only the one thing, the other is I´ll do something I shouldn´t but I have to, I really have to, I want it so much ;)